Author, keynote speaker and positive intelligence practitioner Tara Renze is redefining how we unleash purpose, level up our success and create sustainable happiness and fulfillment in our lives. Join our conversation to learn more about—and be energized by—her true passion for guiding others to harness and realize their full potential.
Tara Renze, author of “Be Who You Came to Be,” was inspired by a letter to embark on her third personal evolution. But this was not just any letter—it was the final letter written by her 87-year-old grandmother to Tara’s newborn son.
Tara shares how two sentences from her grandmother became the basis for her life-changing book and work. She also explains emotional intelligence, mental fitness and the two cortexes of our brains—and how they can work together to help us ignore internet trolls! Learn Tara’s take on toxic positivity and get guidance on her three key areas of focus for living our best lives. Plus, find out what she means by “invitational fear” and “butterfly goals,” including an embarrassing moment on national TV while pursuing one of her lifelong dreams!
Learn more about Tara at her website, tararenze.com, or on Instagram @TaraRenze. Sign up for her weekly emotional intelligence tips and take a free assessment at tararenze.com/signup. You can also find Tara’s book, inspirational jewelry and more at her gift shop—and use promo code TriDelta10 for $10 off! Thank you, Tara!
Hello, Tri Deltas and welcome to another episode of our podcast, the Let's Talk Tri Delta podcast. I am Mindy Tucker. I am Tri Delta’s interim CEO and happy to be that at the moment. I get such joy from this podcast because I get to interview some of the most amazing women and I'm really excited about our guest today. Tara Renze is an author, a speaker. She knows about emotional intelligence, positive intelligence. She's a podcaster, a thought leader, a wife, a mom, all the things. I don't know how she does it all. She's really redefining how we unleash purpose and level up our success. How do we create sustainable happiness and fulfillment in all aspects of our lives? So I don't know about y 'all, but I need this conversation. This may be my own personal therapy session here with Tara, but it's going to be fun. She's also joining us--this is what's really exciting--she's joining us for our Collegiate Leadership Conference, which is coming up in April. This is the premier leadership conference and training conference for all of our executive office teams for our collegiate chapters. So the five executive officers of each chapter are coming and they're gonna be able to hear from her directly, personally, on the first night we're there. She's gonna kick it off with a keynote speech, but she's also gonna host a panel of collegiate women and I'm really really excited about how that discussion is gonna go and just how she's gonna empower our future leaders to step forward into their new roles. She's got a huge passion around guiding others and helping them harness their full potential and I'm so excited to have her here today. Tara, welcome. Welcome.
Well, I am absolutely thrilled to be here today. And I am so excited about the Collegiate Leadership Conference as well. We had our planning call and these women are so sharp. They're so empowered. And I mean, just our planning call was just incredibly amazing and the panel is gonna be, it's gonna be game-changing for sure.
I know, aren't we lucky these women we get to work with? They're just
Yes!
So I'm so excited too. So I wanna dig into a little bit about your story first. You spent two decades in corporate leadership and doing social selling, and then you started writing and speaking and sort of learning how to empower others to be who they came to be. How did that transpire? How did that journey sort of take you from one thing to the other?
Yeah, it is a wild ride for sure. You know, I think I was thinking back just 'cause y'all are in college and I was thinking back to when I was in college and get this, I actually started in college. I went to, I went on scholarship as a theater and voice major. So for two years, I actually studied theater and voice. It was almost like a conservatory program. And then I was like, wait, I just don't think I want to do this, which is a really scary thing, right? If you're my parents were like, but all of your scholarship?
What do you mean?
I said, I know, but this is not who I am. am and who I came to be in. So I shifted gears. I went into communication studies and I was one of those oddball people who I literally wanted to get out of college and I wanted to go into sales. I loved being on the road, you know, out and about. I didn't really want to office job. And so I got into sales and then I ended up doing sales and then I ended up getting a job in corporate America and I worked in sales leadership and then I did their national training programs and then I had a couple of kids, and then I was like, whoa, wait, this isn't who I am anymore either. Like, people are like, but you've got it. You've done it, right? You climbed the corporate ladder, like, it's time for the next thing. And I was like, gosh, yeah, no, I’ve got to change gears. And so I shifted gears. I just kept giving myself these permission slips to change. So then I did social selling, and I ran a huge team doing that, and I started writing and doing and all that. And then this letter, this be who you came to be, which I'll tell you the backstory on that in a second, just became such a powerful guiding light for me. And I was seeing how it was working in my life and so many other people's eyes that I changed that I was shared with, that I decided to make it my life's purpose. And I started writing and keynote speaking. And here I am, you know, gosh, I'm 47 years old. And so it's been a long journey since I graduated from college. And I think that that's the main thing is like, we just have to give ourselves permission to grow, change and evolve and that changes and as we age up as life experiences happen, as our passions and purpose change, we evolve as women and we always have to give ourselves permission to do that and I think you know the most the most important thing to know is like you're never going to arrive at a certain point in life and then coast to the end like there's always a chance for an up level, there's always chance for change. And we have to give ourselves permission to do that because it is be who we came to be, not who we always were.
You know, I had a conversation recently with someone who said women typically evolve, re-evolve about three times in their life. Like they become this person and change and then they become someone else. And I don't know where she got that data point, but I was talking about change in life and she said it's very common for women at least three times to have some sort of major evolution in their life and who they want to be and what they're doing.
Yeah well I do it we you know we change so much and I think you know especially when I left corporate I think you know for so many women this is the advice you get it's like go to college get a degree go get a job maybe get a spouse maybe have a few kids but then you're like and then what? And then what? At age 32 I was like I've done all that. What's next? And we have so much purpose in our passions and what we do. And so I like that, you know, this is my third evolution. So, and I do feel like this is, this is where I will continue to grow and evolve with what I do and speaking and writing and, and all that is just, it's, it's definitely why I'm on this Earth is to help other people own their authenticity and level up their genuine happiness and ongoing success in their life by being who they came to be.
I'm gonna key off of that, like why you're on Earth and why we're all here because your book, "Be Who You Came to Be," really could be a life-changing read for people as they think about that concept. And the message is really in the book that we were all predestined to do something extraordinary with our lives, which is empowering, maybe also a little overwhelming for some too. Can you talk about that process, like how you got to that in the writing process and what that message really means to you?
Yeah. So over 16 years ago, that message was gifted to my newborn son by my 87-year-old grandmother. So it was her first great-grandchild and she wrote him this beautiful little letter and the last two sentences of the letter that she wrote to him and it was the last letter that she wrote she didn't live much longer after that and her life's advice to him was be who you came to be, love will guide you. Obviously as a new mother that took my breath away and I was holding this this infant, this baby who had been on the Earth for 10 days. Yeah, and I thought gosh how lucky am I that I'm going to get to watch you be who you came to be and watch all your gifts and talents and creativities and purpose unfold. And then I started thinking more about that message for me. When I honestly believe that she didn't just write that letter for him, I believe she wrote it for me and giving ourselves that permission again, to grow, change and evolve in our lives. And, you know, be who you come to be. It's a very simple message. It's a very profound message. It's a very thought-provoking message. When I think most of all, it really centers around our purpose. our individuality, our authenticity. And yeah, I mean, I believe that every single person on this earth is here for a purpose. And we have the ability to make such a big impact, not only with our lives, but how we show up in situations and that permission so that when we own our authenticity, we give others the permission to do the same.
I love everything about it. that and how special that it came from your grandmother.
I know I know it is like I still sometimes tell the story and I get tears in my eyes. I have the letter framed on my desk and I just know that she uh she was a just a brilliant woman, she was very ahead of her time, she was well read she actually got her master's degree in the ’70s when women just didn't really do that, right?
Right
And she got it in uh like psychology she worked as an art therapist at which was, you know, very boo boo then and out there. And I just know that she's seen that how this note has changed tens of thousands of people's lives. And it's just has to, I know she's beaming with joy in heaven, you know, even listening to our podcast right now, I'm sure she's like high five and everyone up there. So I'm sure
I'm sure I love it. So you have these three key areas of focus for us to live our best lives, emotional intelligence, owning who we are and live it. Can you talk more about those concepts?
Yeah. So, you know, the Be Who You Came to Be message was obviously it was like, this is it, like, I've got to share this, but how do people do it? You know, it's almost like a cute story. And I really started thinking about the most successful people in that I've known in my life that have had genuine happiness that have been through different you know turbulence hard times but have really remained um mentally fit and just they have that you know almost a fit factor I'm sure you know what I'm talking about you know those people that you come around you're like wow what is it about this person and for me I believe that that person has a very high sense of emotional intelligence so I started thinking about you know how do we help people really level up their emotional intelligence and if you think about be who you came to be, it's I believe it's one of the highest forms of emotional intelligence because emotional intelligence is really being able to understand your emotions to navigate your thoughts and ideas. And to know that not only do your emotions impact you, they impact every single person that you come into contact with. And so the heart of being who you came to be is that we choose how we show up and that we're not our thoughts and that we talk ourselves out of all those negative, terrible thoughts that every single one of of us have. I mean, I have them too. I have days where I my negative thoughts are so overwhelming. But what I've been able to do over time is get mentally fit enough to know that I'm not my thoughts and I get to choose how I show up. And if there's a bunch of research has actually been done on this about the brain, and the brain has two different cortexes, the back cortexes is actually where all your negative thoughts live, which also that part of the brain is what produces stress, cortisol, like like all the bad things that lead to weight gain, anxiety, you know, heart issues, all of that is like all the bad stuff. And they found out that the front part of your brain is where all your positive thoughts live. And the positive thoughts is the front part of your brain produces serotonin and dopamine and those actually have the ability to squash stress and cortisol within your body. So how do we get mentally fit enough to say,
we got to live up in the front part of the brain? And so this whole, we got to live up in the front part of your brain, you know, we got of created, own it, live it is really these just mental flips that we allow ourselves to shift our thinking so that we can stay in that front frontal part of our brains. Not easy, but just like getting in shape, you can do it by understanding, once again, you have a negative thought, okay, this is a thought, I'm not my thoughts. How do I rewire that thought to something positive that allows me to go out and present as my best self? I think that's really that first part of it.
Yeah, a lot of people don't realize about the brain that it is wired and you can rewire it. I've learned this with my kids going through a lot of developmental things with them that, you know, negative thoughts over and over again, it's like blazing a trail, and it blazes the trail deeper and deeper and deeper. But if you stop it, it stops that blazing of the trail and you start a new thought that's positive, it blazes. blazes a positive trail. And I was just astounded at the science of it all when I learned it, but it's the concept you're talking about that like if we rewire, if we rethink about how we're bringing thoughts forward and we bring more positive than negative, we're sort of reinforcing those over time, it's gonna have a dramatic effect on our outlook.
Yeah, and it really, like it really does work. In fact, I was so proud of myself. I had, I don't really get a lot of, of trolls on the internet. I mean, we all get like, you know, there's just, sometimes people say really mean things. And there was a time in my life where a mean comment or something would totally derail me. And so, someone said something mean to me the other day. And of course, digitally, you know, not face to face, digitally, of course. And I was just honestly, I was like, I guess I'm not their cup of tea. They're not, I'm not for them, they're not for me. But it was just, it was so, amazing that I just let it go. I was like, you're actually a really mentally fit finally, that you're not losing sleep over this. I read it right before I went to bed. I mean, there would have been a time where I would have like, be up at two in the morning, like, analyzing every little thing that I've ever done in my life. Is this person telling me the truth?
See that change though in yourself, how rewarding to see.
Yes, I know, I was like elated.
I love that. All right, so that's the first concept.
Yeah, it's really this emotional intelligence. So the emotional intelligence is the heart of it all. And the cool thing about EQ, unlike IQ, is we can elevate it, we can change it, and we can get better at it so that we're really, again, navigating our thoughts and choosing how we show up. So the first part of it's really, how do we create epic happiness and success in our lives? And, you know, I started thinking about this. It was really an epiphany and a journey through the sudden death of my father when I was in my 30s, when I was literally trying to create happiness for everyone and for myself. And I had a mentor who said, if you want to be successful in life, be happy. And, you know, we pick up our smartphones. We are fed the message over and over. Choose happy, get happy, be happy, stay happy. Good vibes only. You know, at one point in time, I had a sweatshirt that literally said, "Good vibes only." What that has transcended, and although it's a great idea, that we should choose happy to be happy, not humanly possible, because we are wired with seven emotions, and we just can't not feel things. And I honestly believe that one of the reasons that we have a mental health crisis in our country is because there's almost been this toxic positivity to where people need to know that their emotions are valid, how you feel is valid. But we still get to choose how we show up, but it's okay to feel whatever we want to feel. And it was during this time that I was in this deep stage of grief when I realized I was not happy. There was no way I could quote unquote, choose happy. I couldn't just ignore these feelings that I had. And it was at that point in time that I gave myself permission to not be happy. But what I found was I shifted from that back part of my brain and it was like, you're not happy. You're never gonna be happy again, life sucks. All those things that just can obviously become insurmountably hard, especially during a grief journey. And instead, I started focusing on what are the most fulfilling things in my life? And when I started thinking about fulfilling things, I suddenly was living in this front part of my brain of like, even the grief of my father, that love was still very fulfilling.
Yeah.
The community that was surrounding me in love, I had my children, I had a job, I had my health, I had all these things. And I really started thinking about the most fulfilling things are what create epic moments of genuine happiness and success. You know, it's like, you know, if you ace the test, it's not just because you ace the test, it's because you worked your butt off and study hard to go to class to apply yourself, even those ones that you were really struggling in, you know. And that created this epic moment of success that was fueled by fulfillment. And then the happiness was like the cherry on the top. And so this mental shift alone for me has completely changed my life. And it's really allowed me to do hard things. And I say like, if you want to live a transformational life, the human experience, although is magical and awesome, is hard. It's very hard. hard. And when we focus on living fulfilled, we go all in. We don't back away from things that are fulfilling. I mean, I know I'm sure that someone's listening who's a marathon runner. I mean, it's the easiest example of not easy, but fulfilling, and it creates that epic moment of happiness and success. But they go and sign up for another one. Like, it's the wildest thing ever. It's like, you just ran 26 miles and you're going to go do it again and you still have the blisters on your feet and the, you know, the exhaustion, but it was so fulfilling, you want more of it.
Yeah, it reminds me of that phrase, you know, anything worth having is worth the hard work to get it, you know.
Yes.
So I totally understand that. And I think, you know, you make a good point about the toxic positivity. And for me, it comes back to, like, authenticity is I always had trouble, you know, whenever it was be positive people. I'm not a woo person necessarily by nature. And so it never felt authentic to just be like, choose happy, I'm gonna be happy all the time. It's not, I mean, if it's not you, it's not you. And it's not authentic anyway to not feel all of the emotions that you might have. And I don't think it's healthy either.
It's not, it's not, you know, it is okay not to be okay. And I think most of all, we have to know that these are seasons of life. And, you know, even in that, when I was in that grief journey, I, remember asking myself, will I ever be happy again? Will this grief live in my broken heart, in my teary eyes, and then not in my stomach, in my throat forever? And time does heal things. And I think back to the relationship with my dad, and it's just as fulfilling today as it was eight years ago. And that's what's so magical. And if we start leading with fulfillment, in our work and our relationships specifically, you know, fulfilling relationships require us to be forgiving, to be patient, to be tenacious in those relationships, to be a rock for people when they need it. Because everybody has their ups and downs and everyone is human. And we're all living the human experience, which involves seven different emotions that all interact and just life stuff, you know, big or small, like things really do impact us.
Yeah, and life is going to be hard at times. And we're equipped to get through it. But it's okay for it to be hard and not great.
Yeah. So that's really that creating it part and flipping from you don't need to be happy, but you do need to be fulfilled. And we start living that part of our brain. We unlock just you guys will find that you will do really hard things because it's so fulfilling. And, you know, next time it's tough, if you ask yourself it's fulfilling, I promise you you'll keep going.
I love that. I love that.
So that's creating it. Then we talk about owning it. One of my favorite things, owning it, owning our authenticity and who we are as women and who we came to be, always easier said than done because it's women we love to compare. We constantly compare ourselves to other people. You know, I joke that we have, we'll call it Instaglam and Fakebook because it's everybody's highlight reel. We get on there and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, Mindy's like, look at her family. They're amazing. Her kids are so well-behaved and her marriage is rocking and her career is so good and she never has a pile of laundry or a dirty glass in her kitchen." With all the things, right? And then I'm like, "Oh wait, this is Mindy's highlight reel. Let's be real." This all looks so pretty in the background here. If I turned the camera around, there's some trash, there's boxes of stuff, there's piles of things. And once we realize that we're watching people's highlight reels, I feel like we can give ourselves a little bit more of our own power back to own who we are. And most importantly, I say, you didn't come to be her. You didn't come to be more like her. You didn't come to be more like Jane or Sue or you came to be you and we're different. And, you know, for some people, you're not going to be enough. You're just not, you're not gonna be enough for some people. And for some people, you're gonna be too much. You're gonna be, you are gonna be too much. Like they are just not gonna like you, no matter how great of a human being you are. You're not, they're not gonna, you're gonna be too much. And then you're gonna find your people. And that's what, that's what you need are your people is that, that love you for you and really allow you to own your authenticity and be exactly who you were intended it to be. And, you know, I think about musicians for this, like Taylor Swift's a perfect example. I mean, people either love her or hate her. It doesn't really have anything to do with her as a human or her music. It's just like, they just don't, I don't like that music or I don't like that. Okay, well, she's not for everyone. And she doesn't write music to try to please the masses. She writes the music that's in her heart and that's true for every musician. And so why we have all these genres of music. And, you know, I'm sure if you're anything like me, like people in my house, like my boys love rap and I don't really like it. When I get the hold of the Sonos, like we're just turning country music on.
Are we living in the same house? 'Cause I feel this with my kids too.
Yes, yes, but again, to each his own and these musicians write the music that's in their heart and who they are. And that's why they find their raving fans. The people who are gonna buy the tickets to their concert buy their swag, buy their merch, download every song, listen to it nonstop and tell everyone else how awesome it is. it is. That's who they're writing the music for is those raving fans. And we have to stay focused on that, especially as women. And, you know, unfortunately, women can be very mean. You know, as much as we talk about empowerment and love, like, there are going to be mean girls who are just going to tear you down. You're just not for them. It's okay. We'll find your people.
And it's not a reflection of you. I think, you know, if we could all love our kids, love ourselves like we love our kids.
Yes
It would be great. Because we see them individually, and we love each piece of them, and how different they are. And, you know, we're the same way. And yeah, we want to beloved in the world just for who we are and what we bring and our unique qualities.
So, right. And I think that it's like to honor their authenticity. And as a mom, and I'm sure you can relate to this is, you know, I constantly am like, honor their authenticity. Like my son did not come to be who I want him to be.
Right.
You know, and it was back when I was in college and I was changing my major. My parents were like, but you're so good at this. Like this is so, your passion and this is what we want. And I'm like, you didn't come to live out your passions and dreams, like this is my life. And this is who I came to be. And so honoring that authenticity within the people that we love and knowing that they didn't come to be you. And that's when you get really angry at someone, you need to ask, like, is it just, do I need to honor their authenticity and who they are? And sometimes we get so frustrated because people aren't acting like we want them to act or do what we want them to do. They didn't come to be you.
Yeah, and if you step into it a step further, you can always learn something.
Yes.
About a different perspective or a different way to look at the world because they're coming at it differently and you might pick up something. It may not be the way you would do it, but you'll learn something by stepping into it and understanding it more.
Yeah and you know it's not about tearing ourselves down or you know it's really just about celebrating our strengths and saying hey this is what I'm good at here's where I need to work um you know and same with other people it's like let's celebrate the things that we love about them and their authenticity and who they are and then you know one of my favorite sayings is you're only human. People make mistakes, you know, things happen. Sometimes we act in ways that we are regretful of. I mean, we've all been there where it's like, "God, I did not handle that situation right." I regret what I said. I think being able to own that and just say, "Hey, you know, one, I'm sorry." And, you know, I want to make this right. All those things are just owning our, who we are as, again, human beings.
Yeah, I love that. I think you're right. And there's a lot of things that we can do to make this right. of there's a lot of credibility that comes with that kind of vulnerability and owning that.
Yeah and you know people they love that, there's when you can go to someone and truly be like you know a messed up or like owning that part of it it's like that instant like it's okay you're only human in fact they've done a bunch of studies in like the corporate world on who's become raving fans of a company or a brand. And a lot of times it started with a customer service issue. Something that the company wouldn't do that they were upset about. And then the company is like, "Oh my gosh, we're so sorry. We want to make this right." They make it right. And then suddenly that person is a raving fan over, quote unquote, a mistake. My grandmother always said it's only a mistake if it happens twice. The first time was a lesson I needed to learn. And I think that that's that owning it part, right? Like, okay, gosh, that wasn't right. Okay, I'm gonna own that. I'm gonna learn from it and move forward.
Yeah, unique mistakes. Let's make unique mistakes, yes.
Yes, oh, I like that, unique mistakes.
All right, and now we're gonna live it, right?
Yes, this is the hardest thing because I think we do think like, when am I gonna reach that point in life? And it's gonna be like, this is it. I have it. it. Like, you know how people are like, you know, you've made it win. You know, you've made it when …
Right.
You're never gonna make it, okay? Like, you're definitely gonna have like pinnacle points of epic success, but there's, I really believe there's always a chance for an obstacle. It's not like you reach some point in life and then it's like all downhill from there. My mom, interestingly enough, she's retired. And when I wrote my book, she said, I gave her a copy of it, and she hadn’t read it, like until it was actually published. And she came to me the next day. And she said, I did not think this book was going to be for me at my age. She's like, I felt like you wrote every chapter, every word in this book for me, at my age, and being who I came to be is like, never ending. And there's like, I am so excited for like this, this chapter, these chapters of my life. And it was such an eye opener for me when she said that too, of like, yeah, like, we never like arrive and then everything else is a downhill spiral, right? So that's living it, is knowing that like, you get to keep dreaming, you get to keep leveling up. And it's really about creating big goals for ourselves, believing in ourselves beyond reason. I call it invitational fear and butterfly goals. And invitational fear is really this concept that we invite fear in, based on something we're dreaming for ourselves. And what, invitational fear works in your body very much like physical fear does,
right? You get scared, you get anxious. You're usually like, what if I fail? What if it doesn't work out? What if, you know, I look stupid, all the things. And so usually that fear keeps us held back. Like, I'm just not going to do that. There's too much risk involved. And I tell people like that fear is the first sign that you're on the right track because you don't get fearful about stuff that you don't care about you just don't like remember the last time that you were like nervous about something that you didn't care about like that fear shows you that you're on the right track I think it's even this imposter syndrome that pops up when we're wanting to do something we're like because you're not there yet right you're not who you came to be quite yet you're just this version this of who you're going to be to become. And it can ignite all that. That is like, that is gold. That is go towards that fear, that goal, whatever it is.
Yeah.
This is the sign that this is where you're supposed to go. And then I call these butterfly goals because, you know, and I use that if you're a caterpillar and you want to become a butterfly, that seems like it almost impossible. Like if you didn't know the science, you would be like, there's no way that the bug in the caterpillar becomes that. Like, what? No, is this a Vegas, you know, magic magic show? No, this is real. But we know how it does it by, you know, it completely evolves. It wraps itself in a chrysalis. While it's in that chrysalis, the caterpillar completely dissolves itself. It becomes goo. Like no, looks like nothing that it did. And then it metamorphizes and becomes, it emerges as this beautiful caterpillar. And that's a butterfly goal is like where you are now. what do you want to do? Like something wild, crazy, big, and you know, mine, I'll share this at the, when we speak and we're going to talk about butterfly goals on the panel. But I grew up in a small town in the ’80s watching game shows and I was always like, I want to be on a game show. I want to be on a game show. And I remember our brothers started, I was nuts growing up. I mean, granted, I was 10 and we lived in north central Kansas. And it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was. just always kept coming up. And when I started going out and speaking and writing I was like, "Oh, I could do a big butterfly goal." And I started telling people, I'm gonna get on a game show. And everyone thought I was nuts. They were like, "Why do think about going on a game show?" I'm like, "You know, it's just been this childhood goal of mine, like I wanna go on a game show." And I started applying and it was just, I was just rejection, rejection, rejection, rejection, rejection, and then I finally, I got a lead because I was telling people I wanted to be on a game show and someone didn't think I was crazy. He was like, actually, I've got a connection of casting for a game show. I was like, could you introduce me? He's like, I can, I don't know, they'll like you, but I'll introduce you. So I emailed these people and I started going through the process and I ended up getting cast on $100 ,000 Pyramid in 2018. And then there was an epic failure on national TV. I said that Lance Armstrong was an astronaut, which, you know, clearly he's not. It's Neil, it's on the tip of your tongue. And it literally was like $37,500 at stake. There's a twist to the story, but I don't want to give it away. Let's just say that butterfly goal was fulfilled and my emotional intelligence and being mentally fit enough allowed me to kind of work through that major blunder and "mistake failure" on national TV and learn from it. And you know, that's what I say, like no, no butterfly goal or dream is stupid or wild or we, and we don't like, we don't achieve these unless we go after them. Like no one was ever going to come knock on my door and be like, we heard you had a dream. We heard that you grew up in this really small town in Kansas and always want to be on a game show. We want to fulfill that for you. Nobody cares about your success more than you.
You know what’s funny, a couple of years ago I was kind of reminded that I run fast. This is gonna be a really dumb story, but it's totally relevant. And when I was younger, I knew I could sort of sprint fast. I'm not a runner. I don't like to run.
You were the fastest kid in class. That means that you were the coolest kid.
So sure, sure. I think I have a ribbon maybe from like the fifth grade field day or something. But I was reminded at age, I think I had just turned 50, 51. And so I start talking to my friends about that. this, I was like, what am I supposed to like, what am I supposed to be an Olympic athlete? Like, what if I could have done like, what if I'd done that when I was younger, and it really turned it into something, maybe I missed a huge opportunity. And so I was like, I'm gonna start start sprinting. And I mean, I'm old at this point, I qualify for the senior games at this point, because I'm 50 years old.
I love this. By the way, I am first off blown away. I'm looking at you on the zoom. I'm like, you were like, 30.
53. So I get a trainer.
You’ve got it going on.
I get a trainer. I start like training. I realize I'm like a second off the, uh, the like national record for my age. I start anyway, I was, I was awesome. I was awesome. I was doing great. I was getting ready and my hamstring was hurting a little bit as I was training.
Uh, um,
But I'm like literally like matching. I'm running a sub eight, which for those who know, like a 50 meter and it was amazing. Get to my race, get there to do the senior games, get ready, I know nothing about what I'm doing. Like people had to tell me where to start. I was so lost, I was clueless. All these people have been doing this forever. I take off and about two thirds of the way down, my hamstring completely rips off of my hip.
Oh my gosh.
And I finished, I like start running sideways. I finished the race, a surgery and like six months of rehab later. I mean, it was a long drawn out thing. It was just, I still would do it all over again because the, just the feeling you get from saying, you know what, I think I can do this. This is a big gnarly goal. Like I, nobody can do this. Everybody thinks I'm crazy, but I'm running fast and I'm, I'm old at like, I'm not old old, but I'm older, shouldn't be able to do this. Like there's just something so empowering about it. And I always say to this day, like I would still do it all over again, even with the aftermath and the surgery. And I'm totally great today. I can hike and do all kinds of things with my kids. But it, you know.
And it's just how that you believed in yourself and you were like, you know, I'm just not gonna let this dream die. Like I'm gonna go do it. I'm gonna blow my hamstring out doing it. But I blew my hamstring out playing kickball a few years ago. So I get, I just, I tried to sprinting to the first base.
Yep.
I didn't have to have surgery, but it was at that point in time that I was like, you know, kickball is, is not for me anymore.
Maybe running to first base is not something I should do often.
But it is that, it is that concept of like, no dream is silly, no dream is small. And the fact that you went after it and got it, and now you've got a great story, you know?
But it's just funny how empowering it is for you. you to like what it does to your psyche and and how you approach life when you take advantage of those opportunities and do things like that, no matter what the situation is for all of us. So I love the concept.
You know, it doesn't have to be something epic, like, get going to the senior fix or getting on a game show. Maybe it is that you want to run, you know, a 5K, maybe you want to take a painting class, and you're like, we don't have time to take the painting class. All the time you make an excuse and excuse and excuse for it. You know, I did a women's event and I had this woman message me and she's like, she's like, maybe this is a silly butterfly goal. She's like, but I always, I loved, I've always loved singing. And she's like, I'm in my mid 40s. And she's like, I've always wanted to try out for the KC Women's Chorus, but I never have. And I'm going to, I'm going to do it this year. And she auditioned and she got in and she's like, in the best thing that she she did it for herself.
Yeah.
And made the time and said, I am worth this. I am worth going all in. And it does change when we start achieving things big or small, it changes the way we show up and we approach other things. And I'm always like passed on a damn game show. Like when I live in Kansas, OK, the sky is the limit. If you just apply, if you put if you put yourself out there and are willing to make a complete idiot out of yourself, I mean, literally, Mike, on the show, Michael Strahan was like, did you think he was going to ride his bike to the moon? I was like, no, Michael, I really didn't. I was under pressure. And yeah.
But again,
I love it.
So think about what is your butterfly goal? And what is something that you wanted to achieve that you just have never put time into? And that's really what it is is time and belief in yourself that You're worth it. And you know people have come up with things from they've gotten certified in different things So they've you know wrote a book. I mean someone's like was like I'm gonna start making beer like if they started a brewery I mean people like started they love making candles and they just always thought it was silly And then they opened up an Etsy shop and if these passions are your purpose. Yeah, and now is silly and nothing is small. And you know, if you love doing makeup and you want to go, you know, always want to go get a job at a cosmetic counter, like, go do it. Nothing is small or stupid. Like all those little passions are our purpose. And it just, it really does matter that and it's, and we can't play small in a, we just have to go all in.
And own it. I love it.
And own it. We've got to create it, own it and then live it and start doing fun, fun stuff.
Yeah. So I think as we get through this, self-sabotage is going to creep in from time to time. What thoughts do you have on how we combat that, how we prevent that from sort of taking over and enabling ourselves to achieve success?
So one, I do remind everyone, you are not your thoughts. Like what you think is not who you are. It's really how you show up. And so, I've been a student of emotional intelligence since the '90s when it first was really starting to be talked about and it was this whole, this concept of EQ and emotional intelligence. What we've kind of done is it's hard for people to dial into that and how do we get more emotionally intelligent? Well, I got certified a few years ago in positive intelligence. I had actually heard about positive intelligence discussed 10 plus years ago when Shirzad Chamine wrote the book. It's a great book. I highly encourage anyone to read it. There's an assessment in there that you can take. You can also get the assessment on my website at tararenze.com/signup.
It'll send you the assessment. But what's cool about positive intelligence is through this assessment, you will uncover yourself sabotaging beliefs or your saboteurs. We all have a judge that we constantly are judging everything, but the judge has turned on us over time. We judge ourselves, we judge others, you know, we're constantly judging. So I think one, recognizing the judge. And then two, you will find out, like, what are your primary saboteurs, the things that pop up all the time that self-sabotage you. And it is very interesting that, you know, mine is, I'm a hyperachiever and a little bit of a controller, then a pleaser. So I have basically now that I recognize that these are saboteurs, like these are not me, they are literally thoughts that have been ingrained in me all the way from childhood, that it was how I was raised, what was expected of me, how I wanted to do things. Pleasing has always been something, and it's very common for women to be pleasers. But now, and through this concept of positive intelligence, you can start to navigate this, you become self-aware of those saboteurs. And that's when you can just shut them down. It's very, very, it's just an interesting concept. His ebook or his audiobook is also great. He's, I put his audiobook, he's kind of a slow talker. So put his audiobook on, I guess, a little bit of a faster speed. You'll clip right through it. It's so awesome. And then understanding what your saboteurs are, it's so interesting. And we, we understand who they are in our family. now. You know, I know what my husband is, he knows what I am. And sometimes I'm like, ooh, that is really not him. That is his saboteur coming out.
Yeah. Huh.
And what we found is if you can elevate, if you can understand your positive intelligence and these saboteurs, how they show up and how you shut them down, you can elevate your EQ.
Wow. I love that. That's a, that could be a whole thing.
Yeah. It would be fun to do in your chapters, you know, do take the saboteur assessment and get around and talk about what are your saboteurs. What I love about this, and I do workshops for, I've done a workshop actually one time it was like 500 people in a room, which sounds so big, but we had tables and it was all around the saboteur assessment and then being who you came to be. What's crazy is people, they love sharing their saboteurs. Now, if I told you, you're a pleaser and a controller, and I just said that to you you might get very offended by it. But now that you know it's your saboteur and the assessment told you when just you know I've taken this assessment for 10 years and I have the same saboteurs, it's never changed. And they, you know, they stand up and they're like, I am a hyper-vigilant controller. We laugh and we're like, Oh, wow. Wow, a hyper-vigilant controller. But once we realize that we that's not who we are. that's not fundamentally who we are at the heart of our existence. And they do sabotage us. Now they can't push us like a hyperachiever can be a really great thing, you know, because it does push me to do great things, but it turns on me a lot because when things aren't going well, things aren't successful, things don't work out, then it's, gosh, you're not good enough, you know, you're not doing what you should be doing. And then that pours into that hyperachiever work. work, then can pour into how I show up in my family life. I mean, I'm sure your listeners, it's something as simple as your hyperachiever, and you're not doing well in a class. And you took it, you studied hard, and you took a test, and you didn't do your best, but guarantee you come back, and it's very easy for that, then to impact how you're interacting with the other women in the house, right? Because you had a bad day. And it's, again, it's not you. It's your hyperachiever sabotaging you because you're telling yourself you're not good enough and then we take it out on other people. So once we recognize these, it's awesome. I highly recommend taking the assessment.
Wow, that's a really cool concept. We could do a whole podcast just on that, it sounds like. Yeah, oh, we could, we could. We'll do it.
We'll do it, we'll do it. So what's next for you? Where are you headed next?
What's up?
Well, I am headed on a whirlwind little keynote tour that is culminating here at the mid -April at the leadership conference. I'm so excited about to be there with that. I’m working on a new book, I've been working on this book just for quite some time. It's called "Perfectly Flawed." My hyperachiever has definitely gotten the best of me many times in writing this book and really giving myself the permission to write the book the way I want it to. So with the hyperachiever, means like it has to be, you know, exactly what it is. Had some major clarity just in the last, I don't know, honestly, a few weeks about how I want to put the book together. So I'm writing books and I have a children's, my mom and I wrote a children's book together, which was super fulfilling and fun. She was an early childhood educator and one of her butterfly goals was to always publish a children's book. And I said, gosh, well, let's do this together.
Fun.
That was really fun. And so, you know, our teenage boys, so this summer, we are busy with AAU sports and for me, family is always first. So I prioritize my work with family and it's taken me a long time to get to that place where I don't have mom guilt and feel guilty about that. But we'll be on the sidelines a lot this summer hanging out and we're traveling, we're doing some fun family trips. And, you know, it's just... it's fun to kind of see what's next and just how everything's evolved since I started.
Yeah, well, it's such a fun story to hear. We're very excited to have you at our collegiate conference. Where can people find you and buy your book? I know you mentioned your website earlier, but go ahead and give it again.
So, www.tararenze .com, it's T -A -R -A -R -E -N -Z -E. You can go to my website. I created a promo code just for you guys. It's TriDelta10. It will get you $10 off anything in my gift shop. So I have everything from books in there to-- I love jewelry. So I've had a designer make some really fun, like, inspired jewelry that's in there. There's some Stanley cups in there because they were at high request. People are like, are they going to be who you came to be Stanley cup? I'm like, they're going to be kind of expensive. It's crazy, though. We-- we—love our Stanley cups. Um, and then you can find me on Instagram @tararenze, T -A -R -A -R -E -N -Z -E. Follow me on Instagram. I love Instagram. I try to not just give a highlight reel, but some fun behind the scenes. And you can really, you know, learn a little bit more about me. And then again, if you want to sign up for my emotional intelligence tips that go out weekly, as well as get the free assessment, it's tararenze.com /Sign Up. And then the assessment will come right to your inbox.
Hey, thanks for all the ways to connect. Thanks for the great conversation today. We're so excited to have you in April and you're just a fun speaker to be around and learn from. And so we're so grateful that you're spending
I can't wait to meet you. Are you gonna be there?
I will be there, yeah.
Yay, I can't wait to meet you in person. I can't wait to meet everyone. In fact, I think I'm changing my slides. so I can stick around for the dinner and hang out and get to meet everyone. I'm really excited about this event. There's some events I don't want to say are better than others, but there's some audiences that I am just like, I can't wait. I will tell you, my saboteur of being enough is like, okay, this is a different audience. I'm talking to college girls, you know, want to make sure, I wouldn’t say a tough audience, but I just want to make sure that the message is right. And that, you know, I wear something cute because you guys, like, everyone's gonna look so cute. I know this. I know you guys are already planning your outfits. You will be asking all the hard questions.
There’s a lot of outfit planning that goes on before a Tri Delta conference. I will assure you of that. But you're gonna be great. They're gonna love you. I am not worried at all. S
o, oh, it's going to be so awesome. I can't wait. And I'm just honored that we were connected and that you loved the message. And that I get to be part of your story and helping, you know, these women as they're in this very pivotal point in life of college and into the real world, you know, really helping them navigate that and honoring their authenticity and not playing small. And really that last part the sentence love will guide you and I think if we if we always be focused on that that love will guide us it won't ever steer us wrong it really won't.
Yeah well said great place to end it today thank you, Tara.
I'm so honored thank you guys so much I can't wait to meet you in Dallas.
Thanks to Tara for being with us as you guys can tell she's going to be a phenomenal speaker for our upcoming conference. If you're looking to join us maybe this summer, you can come flamingle with us in Orlando for our convention in July. We'll have keynote speakers there, networking, celebrations, relaxing in the sun, you name it. You'll be able to find something there to enjoy. You can find information about that on our website at tradelta.org/events. We hope you'll like, subscribe, and rate our podcast. We have three stars in our crescent, but we love those five-star ratings, so bring 'em on. Thank you. Thanks for joining us today, and until next time, Delta Love!